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When All Else Fails, Become a Newspaper Journalist  

Has someone informed Boris this is hardly a surefire way back to power?

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Tell some fibs and get caught? Mislead and anger your colleagues? Break the rules to hold rollicking parties during Covid? Lose your job as British prime minister? Quit your job in parliament? Get caught and suspended for your terrible judgment?

Not to worry, just get a job as a newspaper columnist.

Former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned from parliament earlier this month in the wake of findings that he misled the Commons and Britons about holding parties at No. 10 during the pandemic, while the rest of the country had to shelter in place. He stepped down as prime minister last September.

The so-called “Partygate” scandal has led to a storm of grievances, some of which are extremely sympathetic, as many people in Britain lost the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones during the pandemic lockdowns. Even the late Queen Elizabeth II was famously forced to sit alone at the funeral of her husband, Prince Philip, in 2021, in order to follow strict lockdown rules.

Along with his resignation, Johnson released a statement, which you can read here in full, condemning the findings as a “witch hunt” and “the very definition of a kangaroo court.” He reiterated, “I did not lie.”

If Johnson hadn’t resigned, he would have been subjected to a 90-day suspension from parliament for his transgressions, considered to be well beyond the threshold required for his constituents to seek a byelection.

After this latest fall from grace, Johnson seized on a new role: esteemed newspaper columnist. Late last week, the Daily Mail featured this ostentatious teaser at the top of its front page.

Announcing the Daily Mail’s “erudite columnist.”

Not long after the advert was placed, the newspaper confirmed the mystery man was Boris Johnson, who reportedly signed on for a high-six-figure pay package to write one column a week.

Almost immediately, he was accused of breaking the rules — again — for taking a newspaper job without receiving the proper ethics vetting. (An ethics vetting might be wise, as Johnson has infamously been fired from prior media jobs for, among other things, not being so good at telling the truth.)

Boris, however, has persevered. His first column, which came out this past week, showed real promise, as the Daily Mail plugged, of being “required reading in Westminster — and across the world!”

What was it about? Johnson gave a no-holds-barred critique of a diabetes drug he said didn’t work for him. Headline: “The wonder drug I hoped would stop my 11:30 p.m. fridge raids for cheddar and chorizo didn’t work for me. But I still believe it could change the lives of millions.” (This is not a joke.)

Perhaps by not writing about politics, Johnson will be less likely to give into fibs.